Greetings, AmericaMart Shopper-Associates.
We’ve suspended sales for a few minutes so that I may give you the annual report on The State of The Store. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that 2208 has been one of our best years ever—revenues are up dramatically from the last fiscal period, and we’ve just acquired the last non-enclosed, privately owned floorspace in North America.
It took some doing (those Amish can be stubborn folk), but soon we will begin razing the existing structures, extending the Continental Dome, and erecting the necessary shelving.
Two hundred years ago, the Store was a chain of islands in a sea of chaos—each outlet an orderly and clean haven from a mismanaged society. Back then, as a few of you history buffs might know, there was something called “government” managing the tracts of wasteland between Store outlets. And not only was it terribly inefficient, it actually operated at a loss.
In the Store, there were no guns, drugs, alcohol, or even smoking. Our cheerful Greeter Associates kept everything well under control. Shoppers came by the millions, and were safe and happy while under our Roof.
It was around 2050 when the Store and its then-competitors were vigorously pursuing a policy of expansion as a means of economic stimulus, when they found that they had purchased all available commercial land, and were up against the boundaries of residential, government, and church properties. The next step was as logical as it was bold—merge, and extend the Store Roof over all.
When offered the security of living in AmericaMart, few hesitated in selling their homes to the store. Those who held out had to be gently leveraged. Getting rid of the government was easy—the Store simply bought it.
Churches, taken under the wing of AmericaMart, were thrilled to abandon their non-profit status, and soon enjoyed remarkable success as SuperSavior, Faith-O-Mat, and Our Lady of Good Value. Those brands continue to be our biggest money makers.
In this one-roof-over-all move, private vehicles were prohibited and replaced with clean, energy-efficient People Movers. Those traveling by People Mover thrill at the sight of our Diorama, where all the historical structures demolished to make room for Store expansion have been memorialized in durable polystyrene.
But why dwell on those dark, open-air days? Everything is so much better now. There is no more violence, poverty, drug abuse, smoking, alcoholism, behaving erratically, or speaking louder than in a normal conversational tone.
Those who “act up” or otherwise violate Store policy are escorted by our cheerful Greeter Associates to the Store entrance, and are transferred to our Manufacturing and Food Court Supply Complex (formerly Asia). Their possessions are re-acquisitioned by our Customer Returns department, retagged, and resold to pay for their reassignment.
Most Shopper-Associates of AmericaMart know they’ve got it made—they thrive and consume as long as they give Good Value. Still, even the Re-assignees give Good Value, too. They work long hours in the Manufacturing Base to produce the goods we sell and consume. As Food Court Supply Associates, they enable us to partake of the savory and tangy break meals that fuel our commerce.
Let us pause a moment to remember our Former Associates, and offer our thanks for the bounty they provide us.
So, Shopper-Associates, as another spectacular year draws to a close, the prospect of AmericaMart seems brighter than ever: One Store under One God under One Roof, with all the latest styles and colors to choose from.
Okay, enough—this break has already cost us plenty. Back to work, people—back to work!
