On Tuesday authorities in Knotville, Louisiana were called on to investigate reports of proof that tiny French people exist and are real, and are living in and around us all but we just can't see them. Shown (below) is a photograph of a teeny mouse sized guillotine which was recovered Tuesday in the French Quarter by local police investigators. Police subsequently removed the teeny-weeny guilloteeny out of the wall it was built into on account of the chance it might be evidence, of something, though they weren't sure what.
TOTALLY GROSS LOOKING PIC
NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
Click photo to enlarge.
Mrs. Gloria Rodriguez Sanchez Popcorn Smith, who initially discovered the teeny guillotine, made the initial report to police. Smith inadvertently lost three fingers when she discovered the teeny head cutting device late Monday night while searching about in the dark basement of the abandoned Knotville shopping mall. Smith said she was down there "doing some moonlight treasure hunting".
"Eets a hobby, okay?" Smith said. "I taut I saw a beeg diamond stuck on the side of the wall", Smith told reporters Tuesday night in her downtown Knotville apartment. "So I got all excited and reached for it. But eet wadn't no diamond! It bit me!! Look! Eet took half my three best fingers off! Boy am I peesed! I'm giving up treasure hunting man, eet's a stupid hobby. I don't know how I let Rolando talk me into this! You loser Rolando! Looka my hand! See that? Eet's your fault you loser! Treasure hunting! Sheet! You and your stupid ideas!"
Rolando Rodriguez Sanchez Popcorn Smith was unavailable for comment. No charges have been filed in this incident, teeny or otherwise.
In a mildly related story:
Popcorn. It's everywhere today. Popcorn is the favored treat of movie goers and TV turnips all across the nation. You can't get away from popcorn, it's that pervasive. Popcorn is everywhere. Except in one place: outer space. At least that's what scientists believed until yesterday.
Shocking new photos taken by the Whippenfast Orbiter III space probe were finally released Monday by the NASTY space agency. Word spread quickly throughout the global space science community that the Whippenfast III's photos depicted crystal clear images of space popcorn, freely floating out in space. Numerous independent reports of space popcorn sightings have been made by astronauts during the 1980's and 1990's after returning from missions on the PopeilEasyPop Space Shuttle 2; but these reports have always been discounted because everyone knows that astronauts are plain nuts to begin with.
"The existence of Space popcorn has never been taken seriously by the scientific community", Dr. Ralph Pidgeon of NASTY told reporters today outside Space Central in Florida. "The official scholarly opinion about space popcorn is that it's ludicrous. It simply doesn't exist. But these new pictures clearly show the delicious shapes of freshly popped kernels of white corn, which we believe to be of the Jiffy Pop type as opposed to earlier reports that it was of the Reddenbacher strain. Frankly, we're all just stunned by this. It's too bizarre to think about. We're all going out for martinis, wanna come?"
A new study released today by the Dept of Healthy Human Services states that "the way the lights on your Christmas tree look does in fact change after having three or four beers."
"It's not because your eyes are getting blurry from drinking alcohol. We now know that the lights themselves actually begin to change and fade into blurry things that are extra glowy and colorful and super dreamy". The report written by Dr. Marybeth Coors and Dr. Belinda Heinekin-Budweiser concludes, "drinking many beers all the time is perfectly safe and we see no reasons for not drinking all the beers you want during the Christmas season. In fact we recommend drinking many beers just to experience the wonderful way the lights change and relax you and look so pretty before you pass out".
A list of approved safe and healthy beer brands created by the CDDC and WHOO was released to the government printing office Saturday night for immediate publication. The approved list of healthy beer brands should be available at your local liquor store by the time you pick up your next batch of losing lottery tickets. Cynical realists predict the brands will include Coors, Heinekin and Budweiser.
SCARY TINY HEAD CHOPPER FOUND IN KNOTVILLE, LA
"If they can make it up, so can we."
The Completely Believeable Ponderonamous News
Maybe a safe and healthy beer would be better.
A peckish Madeline Albright, apparently ravenous after long foreign policy discussions, shocked meeting attendees and reporters on Tuesday while trying to get to the candy vending machine in the UN Headquarters Lobby. "Get out of my way! I'm so hungry I can't stand it anymore!", Albright barked to disperse a small crowd of UN dignitaries and visitors milling about in the lobby who were preventing Ms. Albright's access to the vending machine. "I've got my mind set on a pack of Lorna Doone's or a Snickers Bar and nobody's going to stop me!" Albright announced. A Ponderonamous News staff reporter was witness to the scene and called out, "What's it worth to you to get your snacks, Ms. Albright?" "At least 500 dead children", Albright snarled in reply. "Now MOVE IT!"
After retreiving her Snickers Bar, Ms. Albright sunk down on her haunches in the corner and gobbled it down. She was unavailable for further comment.
UN Decides on new global currency - the 'Dead Baby'
After months of research and in the wake of several very heated high level meetings of heads of state behind closed doors, a new UN report has been released defining the actual basis of the global economy. The report finds that oil is not what the world economy rides on; instead it is dead babies.
Goddard Schmeelenfeffer of the UN Economic Research Panel gave the following comments about the report to a Ponderonamous News reporter over the telephone Wednesday morning.
"Yes it's true," Schmeelenfeffer told PN, "and it's not that much of a surprise. At least it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who has been paying attention to world affairs during the last few decades."
"It's not about oil, it's about death. Death and misery and death and death and death. Death is the basis of this planet's global economy. It is the deaths of millions upon millions of innocent children, women and men across all nations, including all cultures, races, creeds, religions, economic status and so forth, that brings in the high profits that today's corporate institutions seek. For profits everybody is being killed. Some more slowly than others to be sure, such as with the replacement of food with industrial products made to mimic food with chemicals, plastics, preservatives, genetically engineered destruction of natural biological organisms and the subsequent replacement of those natural organisms with profit-making corporatized product versions. The deaths brought on from eating substances that are not food will take many years to come about. They are usually proceeded by years of life diminishing illnesses often culminating in severely reduced life spans and widespread states of general ill health amongst the public."
The Completely Believeable Ponderonamous News
