pg 2 Ponderonamous News

Baddabing, Georgia - Baddabing residents were spooked real good Sunday night when a 30 foot tall "ghost board" appeared at the West end of Main Street and slowly glided down the entire length of the street before fading into oblivion. Photo (below) was taken by Beating Heart of God Halfway House resident, Thomas J. Snipperson Jr., 50, who was going for a pizza around 11:55 p.m. and just happened to have his cell phone/camera with him when the semi-transparent upright wood plank eerily floated past him.

According to Snipperson, "I never seen nothin'

like it before in my life and I hope I never do

again. It was creepier than grandma in her

see-thru nightie!"

Area resident Lucille Smidgen concurred. "It

scared the tar out of me, and my husband Wilbur

too. I'm still too scared to go down to Main

Street", Lucille said. "Me too", said Mr. Smidgen.

No one knows why a ghostly plank of wood would float down Main street in the middle of the night, nor was this the first time it happened. Salivation Army cashier Amy Thoroughbred told PN that sightings of the board have occured for at least a half century, and while it is decidedly creepy, no one understands the sighting or why it is happening. Ponderonamous staffers think the wood might just be board. That must be it.

The beautifully preserved silah was quickly translated by Tazi Swhali who confirmed the ancient writings were the lyrics of "Play That Funky Music White Boy". Who knew? There appears to be somewhat of an uproar over intellectual property rights, says a spokesperson from the Stockholm Diggers Institute, and back royalties to PharoahPhone B.C. Records could amount to trillions of dollars. Pending also is a lawsuit for kyping off with somebody elses' copyrighted tune and making mega bucks with it. In their defense, "Wild Cherry", the band who popularized the song in the 1970's said, "Oh man! Wasn't that song in the public domain like 3,000 years ago?" It's even obvious to old creepy disco stars, that after a while songs belong to the world. 3,000 year old copyrights are not a part of known reality. None the less, PharoahPhone B.C. Records, the song's copyright owners, intend to squeeze every last drop of royalty profits out of these not so wild anymore cherries.

Grasshopper, Indiana - Would you eat a crusty, dusty ten million year old artichoke? We wouldn't. But Fred Blattburger of the Foodie Drug Administration surprised many when he said that he was sure the archealogical artichoke was still okay to eat. "Just because it's a little yucky looking around the edges doesn't mean you can't still eat it. It would make a fine nutritious dinner or tasty side dish" Blattburger said.

"I especially like to have artichokes with ham", Fred said before being bodily removed from the FDA premises by ambulance drivers summoned by Fred's coworkers. "Fred has been working too hard lately", one man who preferred to remain anonymous told PN. "The work load has become impossible since they let go all but one inspector. Fred's been stuck trying to do EVERYthing. He just needs a little rest. He'll be fine. Really."

The FDA wants to reassure the public that having no inspectors of any kind working at the FDA is not a problem and poses no threat to the health and safety of those who rely on the FDA to make sure foods, cosmetics and other things are not contaminated or toxic. "We never inspected any products from day one anyway and now we can get products out on the market faster which is good for the economy" the FDA said. "If enough people get sick or die, we might pull the product from the market in about 2 or 3 years, so don't worry, we're on top of it; like always".

Cairo, Egypt - Archeologists from the Stockholm Diggers Institute, Goobern, impressed Tazi Swhali of the Cairo Museum Tuesday, when they presented him with the earliest known record of disco dancing; which contrary to popular belief, was not invented during the 1970's but was in fact a popular dance tradition of the ancient Egyptians.

UN Decides on new global currency - the 'Dead Baby' continued from page 1:

"This feeds directly into another corporate money-making for-profit venture, health 'care', which no longer has anything substantive to do with preserving health or giving care to the sick and dying. It is about capitalizing on the suffering and loss of others at their weakest to maximize profits. Clearly this is great for business but it does lead to the deaths of tens of millions of people annually. Millions more deaths from for-profit ventures include pharmaceuticals, who's parent companies bring in the annual profits large enough to place them in the top earners of the world.

"Throw in vaccinations, industrial pollution, and global ongoing wars, all done for corporate profit and you'll quickly come to see that corporations benefit most when people die in large numbers.

Because that is the reality of our global economy we chose The Dead Baby to be the new global currency. The decision came about to be forthright about it because if everybody has to die or have their lives undermined, diminished or destroyed for corporate profits, the least we should do is be out front about it".